A struggle that’s unseen Pain without the answers Scars that can’t be kissed away Memories that hurt It’s hard to smile through it Sometimes I feel helpless as I pray
Then. The Light shines in We feel hope It’s singing again Jesus. Reaching for us. So I smile to myself As He shows us He’s near So….. near….
Sisters painting pictures Brothers telling stories Love notes pushed under my door
A text that says “I love you” Harmonizing as we drive Teddy bear tea parties on the floor
“Look for the light.” I hear my Father whisper “I know the strain is real But I’m hear in the struggle. Pulling you closer My light is around you Let me show you I’m near.”
And then; His light shines in. We feel hope It’s singing again Jesus Reaching for us So I smile to myself As He shows us He’s near. So near…..
Movie nights past bedtime Basketball out in the rain Doughnuts in our Sunday best
Waffles in the morning Lego castles on the stairs Back rubs when it’s hard to rest.
Stickers on the windows Scooters in the driveway Treasures from the past hung on the wall
Hugs that mean “I need you” Looks that say “I know you” Answered Prayers no matter how small.
A family counselor and pastor shared with my husband and I a profound perspective on children who have experienced trauma. Trauma in adoption, trauma from childhood, trauma from war, trauma from loss. Everyone has trauma. However, this pastor explained a process of trauma for kids who have come from places of pain in a way I have never visualized before.
If a bomb explodes and a soldier is seriously wounded in battle, maybe even loses a leg, the trauma from that injury results in shock. No pain. Just survival. A soldier can physically drag themselves to safety without feeling the pain of the injury.
Later is when the pain sets in. Later, the agonizing terror of what has transpired sets in. The pain has been there all along. They are just now starting to FEEL IT. God has created human beings to survive. He has created us with the ability to go into traumatic shock in order to get out of danger and get help.
Trauma in children from difficult backgrounds, adopted children, or really anyone who has experienced dramatic and traumatic life changes can experience this phenomenon as well. In the midst of trauma, the injury, the abuse, the loss—these kids are surviving. They are experiencing the “gift” of shock. They can and should get help. Whatever that looks like. Receive medical attention or therapy. Be given tools, and coping skills to survive. But they may not “deal” with what has transpired for some time. They aren’t ready. They are surviving. I believe God knows when they are ready. Finding the right therapy, the right book, the right counselor is good and helpful but in the end, God allows the healing to take place when they are ready. I believe this timeline is different for each child. In my personal experience and experience with adopted teens, the pain and healing starts taking place in young adulthood. 17-18 years old. Therapeutic tools that have been presented to them for 7 years only now are starting to take root and provide comfort. This doesn’t mean therapy hasn’t been working. It just means my child had not reached the point at which they were ready to feel and cling to those coping skills for survival. They are reaching that point now.
I have experienced this phenomenon in my own life. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 16. A very traumatic experience. He died at home while I was in the room. I watched him deteriorate before my eyes in a matter of 3 months. I was a junior in highschool trying to do life, take piano lessons, have sleepovers, drink slushies, and help take care of my dying father. Traumatic. It took time to feel the effects of this trauma. Even after his funeral I didn’t cry for a month. I couldn’t cry. But when I did, it came long and it came hard. Pain stabbed my heart so intensely I couldn’t breathe. It was time to feel. It was time to heal. I will never “get over” the death of my dad. But I have learned how to live “with” it.
My loss of a parent from illness is far different from the more personal and direct trauma of abuse, neglect, and abandonment experienced by many children. Children from trauma need time to heal before they can process, feel, and heal. The explanation of trauma as a severely wounded soldier in battle will forever live in my mind as a way to process and heal from my own experiences, but also as a drive for compassion for those experiencing, healing from, or just surviving the “after shock” of their own trauma and pain.
“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed.”
Joel 2:25-27 KJV
What does it mean to “never be ashamed”?
I’ve been pondering this statement for the last few days and asking God if this has to do with my circumstances or my heart?
I have deeply felt the pain of being ashamed or burdened by my circumstances. I’ve been ashamed or weighed down by disappointment. I’ve felt ashamed or disheartened by negative words or unmet expectations.
I believe it is clear what God is NOT talking about. He is not saying “You will never be disappointed”, “You will never have anything negative happen”, or “You will never have anyone speak against you”.
I believe He is drawing me towards himself and saying that if I surrender, refocus and return to Him daily, He will change my train of thought. When I give him my heart, my desires, my fears, He starts to change my perspective.
His spirit gives me patience. I am not as easily offended by the words of others. His spirit gives me peace. My ideas of success and joy are changed. Instead of seeing passing grades, outward appearances, dinner served on time, or a clean house as success, I start seeing through a different lense. I start seeing success in unexpected places. God is teaching me that “successes” have nothing to do with anything I have done. God has been opening my eyes to HIS success.
HIS Success is a teenage son who wants a back rub every night because it makes him feel safe. HIS Success is a daughter that I find reading her Bible alone in her room because she felt God tugging at her heart on a hard emotional day. HIS Success is a dog pile wrestling match in the living room with a husband who is always willing to say “yes” to God despite uncertainty and exhaustion.
My Lord says “Pull your eyes away from your idea of success and watch ME. Stop agonizing over your circumstances and watch as I fight this FOR you. Let go and let Me fill your crowded spaces with My spirit’s love, joy, peace and patience. Let My Spirit’s kindness and goodness wash over you. Be overwhelmed with renewed faith, gentleness, and self control that only I can give. You need Me. Don’t be ashamed. Let Me satisfy you. Let Me deal wondrously with you.”
I have no need to be ashamed of difficult circumstances when I am loved and led by a God like this! My God may not supernaturally change my circumstances on my timeline but He can supernaturally and daily change my heart and perspective.
The kiln is burning. The wheel is spinning. I feel collapse. New pain beginning.
The Potter holds my broken clay. No piece is lost. I strain to pray.
“I know you are the potter! But my clay feels crushed and weak. Please hold my heart together! I burn to hear You speak.
I know I need repairing, And the fire makes me stronger. But my heart is tired and confused, Can I rest a little longer?”
The wheel stops, His eyes are kind, Strong hands are still, Truth soothes my mind.
“I fill you as I mold you. I smile as I hold you. Your cracks and breaks are being used. Let my love pour THROUGH you.
Stop striving for perfection And hiding flaws and pain. I fill the imperfections, And use your weakness for MY name.
Be shattered, admit weakness, Kneel down with open hands. I only want your best, My child. Let Me show you all My plans.
Weakness isn’t shameful, Your tears are not too much. Let your hardened, brittle clay, Be softened at My touch.
I fill you as I mold you. I smile as I hold you. Your cracks and breaks are being used. Let my love pour THROUGH you.”
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in HIM, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
INSTEAD of looking at someone who struggles with addiction (any addiction) with criticism, I’m praying people will recognize our common enemy. He disguises himself in our judgment and tries to prevent authenticity and openness! He wants our judgment to instill fear in the hearts of those who struggle.
I say NO! Expose him! And let’s all fight on the same side! We are not more capable than the one fighting right next to us! We are all in need of a rescuer!
INSTEAD of whispering about the person who struggles with depression, anxiety or any other mental illness and seeing it as weakness, I pray people will recognize our common enemy.
He disguises himself as pride. He attempts to fill our hearts with thoughts that we are above these types of feelings and therefore stronger than others are. I say NO! Expose him! And let’s all fight on the same side! We are not stronger than the one fighting right next to us! We are all in need of a rescuer!
INSTEAD of shaking our heads at a bedraggled group of kids with no shoes on at the park, I pray we can recognize our common enemy.
He disguises himself as self reliance. He attempts to fill our hearts with thoughts that “WE would never allow that!” without fully knowing what that family has been through that day, week or year. Satan wants us to stay aloof, to not ask, to pass judgment. I say NO! Expose him! And let’s all fight on the same side! We are not wiser than the one fighting right next to us! We are all in need of a rescuer!
INSTEAD of caring more about appearances on social media than what is happening in reality, I pray we can recognize our common enemy. He disguises himself as comparison. He attempts to trick us into thinking that projecting perfection will bring us happiness when it only makes us more discontent. I say NO! Expose him! And let’s all fight on the same side! We are not more put together than the one fighting right next to us! We are all in need of a rescuer!
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:10-12
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures.”
In my favorite book, A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23, I have learned how deeply the metaphor of the Lord as my Shepherd relates to my life. One very interesting fact is that sheep will not lay down unless all their needs are met. They must be fed, watered and completely free of parasites. A shepherd needs to provide all the needs of the sheep so they feel at peace and safe enough to lie down.
God is willing to provide me with rest if I will allow Him to meet my needs. So many times I run around, frantic, trying to meet my own needs or the needs of others but to no avail. I forget that I am not the shepherd but a sheep in need of a shepherd as well. I need my shepherd’s care in order to rest in Him and only Him.
Sheep need a shepherd to shear them. Sheep have been known to have so much wool that they fall over, can’t move, can’t breathe and can end up dying from having too much wool!
Wool continues to grow without a Shepherd to shear it off.
Sheep that have fallen down and can’t move are called “cast”. This is why David uses the term “cast” in Psalm 43:5.
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”
A “Cast” sheep
In his book, Phillip Keller describes wool as a metaphor for sin. We need Christ to change us, to remove the sin from our lives, and to save us. Once we accept his gift of life, we are free from the weight and guilt of our sin and can live in joy and freedom. However this is an ongoing relationship. I need Christ daily in my life. To look me over, shear what needs to be sheared, anoint what needs healed, and comfort me with his love. He is gentle. He doesn’t force his hand on me. When I don’t allow his loving care each day to teach me, change me and help me resist sin, the wool grows back. I become tired and burdened. Sometimes I fall and can’t get up on my own. Praise the Lord He is always waiting for me to call out to Him. He waits with shears and loving arms ready.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. 1 John 1:9
“He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3
In this familiar psalm, David was referring to shepherds who watched over their sheep in a land where water was scarce and the sun was hot. In order for sheep to have any water, a shepherd in this land would rise very early in the morning, before the sun, and take their sheep into the pastures where they could eat the dew covered grass before the sun would burn it off. The sheep would eat their fill and be satisfied.
I love this metaphor. My Good Shepherd calls me to rise early to meet with Him. To read his word and be deeply satisfied in Him before I face the scorch of the day.
Later in the day, when the dew was evaporated by the sun, a shepherd would take his sheep on a journey to find a stream. Sometimes this would take hours and it was during the hottest part of the day. However just finding a stream was not enough. Sheep will NOT drink from moving water. They are too afraid. No matter how thirsty they are, they will not drink from a clear bubbling stream that is moving. They will stand at the edge, too nervous and scared to drink. The shepherd knows this. He uses his staff to dig a trench, allowing water to rush to the side and create a still pool of water where the sheep can drink easily.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A STRESSFUL DAY WHERE THINGS ARE HARD AND YOU FEEL ANXIOUS, TIRED AND AFRAID? I love this picture of Jesus being with us in a hot dessert after a long day and we can turn to Him and cry out in the worst of times, “Lord! The water is moving too fast! What do I do?!”
He gently calls us to come to Him, wait on Him, read His word, sit with Him, and He will provide a way to restore us. I need to be willing to step aside, close a door and sit with Him a moment and be refreshed.
This is what He is asking me to do in those moments of my day. Stop what I’m doing, stop staring at the rushing water and turn aside to Him. Maybe He will encourage me through a friend, through a Bible verse, maybe a song, or just a moment of silence where He can fill me.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
A shepherd’s rod is used as a weapon. It is a tool to keep sheep safe from mountain lions, snakes, and to examine the wool for sickness and parasites. It is a short blunt stick that can easily be thrown or used as a club against enemies.
The rod is a metaphor for God’s Word. It is a weapon we can use against Satan when we feel his attacks. I have seen that memorizing scripture is the greatest defense against Satan. Memorizing is key. I don’t always have my Bible available to me. How can I fight an enemy with no weapon in my belt? Even Jesus himself used scripture to fight against Satan when he was being tempted. He was teaching us how to use the weapon available to us.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
This verse has always been confusing to me. What is a table? And what does it mean that God prepares it before my enemies? In the desert, shepherds would go ahead of the sheep to prepare a flat area of land on top of a mountain known as a “table”. Shepherds had to go ahead of the sheep to remove obstacles on the path, scout for predators and remove dangerous foliage that could make the sheep sick.
While grazing on this lush “table” of land, the sheep were exposed to enemies such as mountain lions bears, and coyotes. It was a risky journey, but a Shepherd knew the trip to these tablelands was worth it.
My Good Shepherd goes before me. Sometimes I want to turn back out of fear from a path with too many unknowns, but I know He has been before me. He knows the danger ahead, but He also knows the blessing. I will follow Him.
Table
There are so many other thoughts I could write from this treasure of a book, but I won’t spoil the whole thing. It is worth reading and then reading again.
A Loss For Words 